Screw You

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I don't care what you say. So what if I'm extra? So what if I'm as high as balls? That's not the real me anyway. Can't be bothered with fags like you.

Look. This is MY life. I act the way I want to. Don't like me? Then screw off 'cos I don't like you too. You wanna know why exactly I'm like that? Go ahead. You wanna skip to the end, by all means go ahead.

When I was younger, I had a horrible temper. Crossed me then, and I would have kicked you in the nuts. Twice. Once as revenge, and one more for my other leg.

So, I took a dare from some friends to be emo for a week just for fun. And I realized how much I loved it. It was great, where I didn't need to make anybody happy, nor make myself happy. It was just me, my imaginary world, and the real world.

I stopped the dare after a week, but I continued with my new attitude. It was great, mind you, to just stay in my cozy little bubble, where I was the ruler. Of course, I earned a reputation as a daydreamer, and an emo kid. There was quite a lot of attention, especially from this one guy who wanted to crack open my shell.:) He failed, like everybody else, but it was nice to have someone shower you with attention.

It was a hard shell, no doubt about it, and I often retreated into it. To the point where I stayed in there more than I came out. This of course, helped my compositions for ideas. (Yay.) but as for my social life, it sucked, to say the least.

I only had a small group of friends back when I was P4. We were BFFs. Until I moved house, and had to move over here. Lost contact with all of you, but I still remember your faces, your names:

Jaime, the sporty one. You always dragged us around to your netball/Captain's Ball/badminton games. Thanks for all the skills, all the lessons you taught us. :D

Christina, the shopaholic. You and Jaime always fought each other on whether to go shopping or to go play sports. The two of you always forced the rest of us to choose sides. It tore at my heart to choose between the 2 of you. Thank you for your lessons in hardening my heart to outside forces.

Kelly, the study-a-holic. You were the one who helped us with our mugging. I still remember how you'd always book a room in the library every Tuesday, and all of us would come, by hook or by crook, to mug and to cram as much as we could into our brains. You were always the Languages expert. I was the math expert and we'd always use your laptop as our Science expert.:)
Thanks for your techniques in mugging, and cramming.

Shannon, the comedian. We could always count on you to turn the darkest moments into funny ones. Somehow, I kept out of my shell whenever we were with you all the time. Among all the girls, I can confidently say that you were my BFFAE.

Si Han, the sidekick. Whenever any of us were bullied (Kelly especially), you would always come up to protect us, beat them up if you needed to. And we would always stand by your side. If you got in trouble (which you regularly did), we would stand by you, and vouch as your alibi, knowing full well that should we be caught, we'd all be screwed.

Zu Ying, the random gal. You always make Kelly's lessons fun to be in. Even though Kelly always tries to make her classes as fun as possible, you are always there to kick things up a notch. I remember the time where you were slicing a potato with a compass and an ice-cream stick. You are one of my closest friends, and you can always be trusted to keep a secret, and to give sound advice.

For all that, girls, I thank you.

When I moved to my new school, my first impression was how much emos were hated after I was bullied. I was by myself, in my shell, where I was picked on. Thank goodness Crystal and Cheryl came to help me with a punch to that guy's nose. I had to quickly form a new attitude, a way to hide my true personality from the rest of the world.

Thus, I became a motormouth, always ready with a sharp comment delivered in a good-natured way. I learnt when to back off, when to apply more pressure. Of course, that didn't work out too well when I got into a fight with the chairwoman and you girls had to force me off her until I could calm down...

The only side effect was that my need for attention, my need to please others came out again, after being forced away 4 years back. Although you girls could easily fulfill it when I was with you all, gradually, it increased.

It grew in me, that monstrous need for acceptance, until I was out of my shell the whole time, feeding off this ambrosia like a mosquito. There were chinks in my armor of course, because this was, after all a facade.

A facade which I put on every morning in the car, to be the motormouth I acted as in school, to be the enthusiastic gal, the sarcastic optimist.

A facade which I threw off the moment none of my schoolmates were with me. So that I could relax, chill and crawl back into my little universe where I was who I loved to be.

It was these little chinks which I grew to love. I was, after all, acting random, so I loved it when I could throw my facade aside for that moment and just be myself until I "stopped acting" and had to pull it back on.

I enjoyed the moments after exams or when something disappointing hits. It was the perfect excuse to go emo, and back into my shell where I could silently rest.

Of course, those excuses presented themselves few, and far apart, and I learnt to create my own excuses. That's why I joined drama. It taught me how to weave a web of lies to protect myself from the world, to move seamlessly from facades to my real life.

The teacher-in-charge saw through my armor immediately, and gave me the role where I could be myself. He saw me as a wonderful actress, when it came to emo of course, and I had 4 hours a week, more when a performance was coming up, to be free of my fake life. He thought I was just talented, which I didn't mind.

I love being with all of you. And there were times where it felt better to be in the front. My social life flourished at the expense of my sanity. I enjoyed being in the spotlight, where I could enjoy myself, and be at the center of attention.

But, like I said, it isn't fun most of the time. It's tough, when everything you do has to be decided upon in a split-second. Which is followed by you hoping you don't screw up. It's bad enough by itself, but when you add on the stress of PSLE, it's amazing how I didn't suffer a nervous breakdown during the Maths paper last year.

Truth be told, the only enjoyable times were with you girls. When I realized that due to our different marks, we could be separated, I freaked out. I've heard how the best of friends could fall apart because they went to different schools.

The last straw was right after the EOYs. There was literally anarchy. It was amazing to see how classes turn into tai tee dens the moment teachers leave. For the first few days, I played my PSP and handphone, but the feeling of being ostracized from all of you by my inability to play tai tee was overwhelming.

I was fantastic at Blackjack and poker. I could beat anyone of you all in a poker tournament, especially if I had Si Han colluding with me. But the problem was that none of you could play poker well enough, and blackjack was "too easy" for you guys. There was no way I could chat, not when the whole class was playing/watching. Or they were in the library, DOTA-ing.

It was excruciating, the feeling of alienation despite being in the most chatty class ever known in the school. I hated it, and was practically about to explode. You could all sense it, and stepped away from me, fearing that you could end up as a victim in the eruption of Mt. Mabel. The problem was that, the more I was ignored, the closer to the edge I stepped, until I was nearly insane with the lack of attention.

For the first time, I needed attention, like a spoiled brat, and I couldn't get a single drop. It was terrible, to say the least.

Forums became my friends. I could chat about whatever I wanted. No need for a mask or anything. Just say what you want, in a consistent style long enough, and you'll get noticed.

And noticed I was. I became a minor celebrity in the forums, where I could say things I couldn't say when I was new. When I said something, people did it. It was the closest I ever got to being myself again. It wasn't long before I fell back into my melancholic ways again, putting on a facade only so that I could chat with my friends.

Look. I know you girls enjoy being with me as a motormouth. I know how much you enjoy chatting with me.

1) If I be myself, how will my friends react? *stress*

2) If I NOT be myself, how will my sanity react? *stress*

So, I'm choosing number 1. I can make new friends (not that I'll want to...)but I can't recover sanity.

You can hate me for being an extra, but I don't care anymore. I'm stopping my charade, and going back to my old self. I don't give a flying fuck what you think. I'm going back to being emo.

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..............\.............\... to you, you son of a bitch.

I doubt Shannon would have this problem. She never has issues anyway.

Apart from with guys anyway.

WHY CAN'T I SWAP LIVES WITH ANYONE OF YOU GIRLS FOR JUST ONE DAY?

JUST ONE. PLEASE...

And the worst thing is, my fake life is literally falling apart. I wished I had Zu Ying's mouth. I blabbed about one of Crystal's secrets. We're still friends. A few years of friendship can't be broken THAT easily.

But I can tell how she won't trust me. I've been trying to find the earring she dropped at my house. When I told her about my frustration over the phone, I said "I PROMISE I'll pass it to you this weekend (12 December)."

She went, "Pffffffft..."

Now, that part isn't gonna make me freak out. It's the fact that Crystal knows my true nature. She went for tuition with Si Han back when I was with my old clique. They were great friends, and they chatted about their friends. Sooner or later, I became the subject...

So, after a few weeks with me in the first year with them, she asked me, privately of course, whether what Si Han said was true. I admitted it, and I forced her to shut up about it.

Now that Crystal's pissed at me, I've got no idea what she will do.

And the thing is, being emo is not the REAL real me. Being emo is fun, but by nature, I'm not emo. That's just how I prevent myself from blowing up, and trying to strangle one of my friends. I definitely don't want them dead.

Only my parents knew the real me, along with some kindergarten friends who I doubt will remember me anyway. My old clique might remember the time where I beat up a guy 2 years my senior who kept bullying Kelly despite repeated warnings from Si Han's fist.

They might have thought that it was just me protecting Kelly, but it was one of few times I let go of being emo.

The gang managed to protect me of course, by spinning the story that I would never do that, complete with testimony from teachers, and that the guy was trying to drag me in for defending Si Han. He had a broken nose, and a black eye, which made the part where he beat himself up to frame us kinda unlikely...

Anyway, remember that time where I freaked out in Home Econs and broke a few plates because of that Chairwoman incident? It was the last period and I stayed behind and calmed down after school, where I became super-emo.

Now, Celeste was the only one left in there, and as Crystal knows, I lose all inhibitions when I go emo. Don't think sick, or I'll swing a badminton racket into your face. Anyway, I went "Go on. Scream and shout at me. Drag me into hell. Preferably at the same time." or something like that.

Celeste most probably freaked and told Crystal. Thank God Crystal already knew about it. I didn't need more people worrying for my pathetic life. So that's 2 people who know about it.

Should I publish the rants I kept in my Drafts section?


Mabel, the One and the Only.

Continued:

I'm actually surprised none of you guessed it.

The countless times during recess, where I'd hide in class in the corner near the window. It was a great spot, and kinda cooling.
The fact that whenever I listen to music in class during recess, I sat on the floor hugging my legs, head bent down. Almost as though I'm hiding in A SHELL.
My wild mood swings, which ends with my anger, and my utter guilt and regret for hurting said person.
The fact that most of my compositions' happy endings sound and look forced.
After something bad hits me, I look secretly pleased for a while before becoming totally emo for a day to a week.
I enjoy drama even though it takes up my whole morning.
What did I wear for Youth Day?

Doesn't it seem obvious in hindsight?

Mabel, the *facepalm*